Total Loser Friends:

In a world full of people, losers can often make the best friends.

“Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.” ~John Lennon

Say what you want about having loser friends, but if you go along to see where the journey takes you it can be quite entertaining at times. Take it from a total loser, loser friends are among the most memorable in the world.

One such loser friend of mine was Steve. Steve was a very eccentric person. He was the kind of guy that you could put in a room with twelve people that he didn’t know, and in an hour he would have a dozen new friends.

Steve was quite outgoing, and charming… when he was clean and sober.

I went to go eat lunch with Steve at a restaurant in South Florida that was right on the Gulf of Mexico. It was a nice seafood restaurant, a little pricy, but they had great food.

We wore polo shirts instead of our regular t-shirts just in case a couple of single ladies showed up together looking for a couple of eligible bachelors to meet and change their destiny. Unfortunately the two mystery women never came, and we had to make other plans.

While enjoying our meal we watched the boat traffic go by, and Steve said, “Let’s go look at boats.”

I of course replied, “We are looking at boats dude.”

“No no…” he said, “I mean at the boat store up the road.”

This wasn’t one of those backwater boat stores, it was a store that sold very large vessels, some of which may be classified as yachts.

“Sure…” I told him, “Afterwards I need to swing by the exotic car store and pick up a new Lamborghini. I’m not sure if I want red or black. What the hell, I will get both. Do you think you could drive one home for me?”

Steve just laughed and told me to trust him. This should be interesting I thought.

After lunch we went to the yacht store. Steve told me matter-of-factly to play along before walking up to the nearest salesman, and letting him know that he currently owned a 30 foot boat that wasn’t too hospitable in the open ocean, and he was looking to upgrade to a larger and more capable ocean going vessel.

This naïve salesman foolishly kissed Steve’s butt, as he showed us different boats, each one larger than the previous one.

The salesman had another person that was shadowing him. I didn’t know if he was another salesman looking for a cut of the commission, or a manager testing him. After Steve was shown the second boat, the shadow looked at me with a curious look.

I got the feeling that the shadow who was following us was thinking, how in the world can a loser afford a large ocean going vessel. I just looked at him in disgust and said, “Trust fund babies. It must be nice.”

“I wouldn’t know myself. When my daddy died he didn’t leave me a nice home on a canal with gulf access, a Mercedes, and several million to spend foolishly on such things as a boat.”

“My father died in debt. Guess what? I aint paying it either!”

“This guy is an idiot, he thinks if he buys one of your fancy boats, Robin Leach will do a story on him... don’t get me started.”

This caused a big grin to appear across the shadow’s face. He then pulled the salesman to the side to speak to him privately, resulting in a big grin on his face as well. I will have to say that it was easily noticeable that the butt kissing intensified markedly after that.

The last boat they showed us was docked in the water behind the store among many others. I don’t remember the exact size, but this boat was over fifty foot long. As we were looking at that one, Steve commented that he really liked it, and asked my opinion of it.

I told him that it was too big, and there was no way he would be able to turn it around in the canal behind his house. The salesman jumped right on my comment and informed Steve that the boat could turn on a dime.

Steve told me, “See, don’t worry it will be fine.”

“It’s not worry its simple physics.” I replied.

The salesman said, “Tell you what gentlemen, (Gentleman must be yuppie verbiage for total loser) let’s take it for a test ride, and I will show you what this boat is capable of.

We were enjoying the ride, both of us total losers trying not to laugh.

The main salesman was illustrating to us how smoothly the large boat was traveling across the water. I was thinking we are in the bay approaching the Gulf of Mexico. The water is so calm a canoe could ride smoothly through here.

When we got into the actual Gulf of Mexico the shadow who was driving the boat increased acceleration to show us what the boat was capable of. Being such a large boat the acceleration was quite exhilarating.

Steve told me in front of the salesman that he really enjoyed this boat, and thought it was a big improvement over the one his father left him.

I asked Steve if he had a license to operate such a large boat, and he replied, “What do I need a license for? I don’t intend to drive it. What is the point of having a vessel like this just to be stuck behind the controls all of the time. I will hire a captain for that so I can enjoy the ride.”

The main salesman smiled, and told Steve he had other things to show him. While they walked off, I hung back with the shadow. I said to him, “Did you hear what Richie Rich said? I can’t afford to hire a maid to clean my apartment, and Daddy Warbucks over there not only wants to buy a yacht, he wants to hire a captain to pilot it.”

“Are you looking for a side job? The son of daddy Warbucks is looking for a captain for his new yacht. Don’t get too comfortable with the position. I give him 5-7 years before he spends all of his inheritance.”

“Give him one of your business cards, and let him know you are interested.”

On the way back to the boat dock they stopped nearby it to show Steve how little room it needed to turn. It definitely didn’t turn on a dime, but for a vessel that size it turned quite well.

After we got off the boat Steve told them he needed paperwork from them about the boat and the price so he could give it to the person managing his trust fund in order to get the money to pay them.

Steve got his paperwork from them, and shook their hands before we left. As soon as we got out of the parking lot, and onto the main road Steve laughed his head off.

For a long time after that Steve’s favorite catch phrase was, “Don’t worry, it will turn on a dime…”

A couple of losers wearing polo shirts purchased from the Goodwill, were taken for a test ride in a 50+ foot yacht. Where else in the world would this happen to a couple of losers. Only in America!

Did I ever tell you about the time Steve was almost killed shopping at the dollar store? This is an interesting story for another post.

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