Functioning Alcoholic:

I am still functioning.

“I am not an alcoholic, I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.” ~Total Loser

I have been called many names in my life. Loser of course was the most common. Some of them who were slightly less mentally challenged were capable of using more syllables in their speech, and called me a Total Loser… Like that is a bad thing.

I have been called a pervert, and horndog due to my fixation with nudie bars as if there is something wrong with a red blooded American male wanting to watch biologically female personages (This distinction needs to be clarified here in the present day.) dance in their birthday suits?

I say live, and let live. Here in the year 2020 with gays, lesbians, and transsexuals being more accepted in society is it really a dastardly and revolting thing to be straight now?

If a lady who was born that way wants to dance in front of me showing off the gifts that her mother gave her while I suck down an icy cold beer enjoying the show, I fail to see how that makes me the scum of the earth. A Total Loser??? Maybe… but again that is not a bad thing.

The LGBT movement wants to use the rainbow of colors to represent their cause, guess what folks I only need one color as a heterosexual male to represent my desire for my blue addiction, and that color is pink.

If you don’t understand why pink, I can only say, Johnny are you queer boy?

If you want to stick with your own gender that is your business. I will stick the male plug of my lamp into the female outlet where it belongs, and light up the room.

Functioning alcoholic is my favorite. I believe referring to someone as a functioning alcoholic is an oxymoron. (only a moron would use the term functioning alcoholic.)

You say I am an alcoholic, but I say I am functioning. I worked the same job for 25 years, and called in sick twice in those 25 years. Do you know why I only called in sick twice in 25 years?

Because I drink a six pack of beer, and a half a bottle of Jack Daniels almost every day. On the days that I don’t, I drink the whole bottle of Jack Daniels. There is too much alcohol in my blood stream for something as insignificant as influenza to have any effect on me.

Ebola, the Black Plague, the new 2019 Corona virus, I would like you to meet my friend Jack Daniels, let the battle begin.

I am not saying that Jack Daniels is the cure for every disease, but going by experience I believe that if you combined a shot of blood contaminated by any virus with a shot of Jack Daniels in a Petri dish, that virus would have a heck of a time surviving.

I would say that if I managed to show up for work on time every morning 6 a.m. sharp, no exceptions, no excuses, than alcoholic is hardly an accurate description of my character.

I did manage to build up a high tolerance to alcohol over the years which came in handy a couple of times while on vacation.

I was in a bar in the red light district of Bangkok one time… okay many times, surprise, surprise, but on one occasion I was buying drinks for a dancer that I found aesthetically pleasing.



After enjoying several drinks together she looked at me with glossy eyes and said, “Not buy me anymore drinks, cannot.” Too cute.

Another “Real girl” bar I knew well in Bangkok was owned by a ladyboy. This ladyboy asked me to buy them a drink. At first I thought about declining, but then decided I have to buy a drink for the owner of one of the best bars on Soi Cowboy.

After a few drinks the ladyboy staggered off, but I still felt fine. This action cemented my preferred customer status there however.

I would say working all the time, and being able to afford a month long vacation in Thailand every year I am doing quite well with my lifestyle.

You may say I am an alcoholic, but I am functioning quite well, Thank You.

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